The Dark(est) Side of Shame

When asked why I work with shame*, my answer is, “Because shame is the root of all harm.” I believe this vehemently. When one becomes deeply acquainted with Toxic Shame, including the ways in which shame affects the body and the masks that it often wears, it becomes impossible not to see shame everywhere, especially where there is harm or disharmony. This is largely, though not entirely, a result of the fact that there is a strong correlation between Toxic Shame and hostile anger. Where there is shame, there is also defensiveness, blame, and complete self-absorption. Sometimes there is also rage, abuse, bullying, and violence which will be unfortunately resonant for some readers.

*Note that when I talk about shame, I am referring to Toxic Shame which is different from Healthy Shame and will be specifically identified.

The Link Between Shame and Anger

Toxic Shame leaves individuals with an extremely low self-perception; in other words, shame makes us believe that we’re worthless (to varying degrees). I’ve heard it said many times that, “shame feels like death,” which, when you understand the biological evolution of shame, makes a lot of sense. However, when we combine this with the fact that humans are hardwired for survival, we’re left with a conflicting co-occurrence between self-rejection and self-preservation, the result of which looks like the impulse to stay hidden.

If our sense of shame is triggered, either by being exposed or by being shamed by others, a self-preservation instinct is activated. Often, this presents as hostile anger, aggression, or rage. Shame is the most exquisitely painful feeling a person can experience. To feel devalued as a human being is – at best – a contractive experience, at worst it is annihilation. Anger, on the other hand, is a mobilizing, empowering emotion which brings the frozen and contracted body back online while exerting one’s right to exist. As June Price Tangney and Ronda Dearing said in their book, Shame and Guilt:

“Anger is an emotion of potency and authority. In contrast, shame is an emotion of the worthless, the paralyzed, the ineffective. Thus, by redirecting hostility, by turning their anger outward, shamed individuals become angry instead, reactivating and bolstering the self, which was previously so impaired by the shame experience.”

How Shame and Anger Affect Relationships

Unprocessed Toxic Shame will destroy a relationship faster than any other source of disharmony. In fact, I would argue that it’s not possible to have harmonious relationships when one, and certainly not both, parties experience Internalized Toxic Shame. When we talk about relationships, please remember that these are not just romantic relationships. In fact, it’s just as likely that readers will recognize these patterns prominently in familial, social, and professional relationships. Shame does not step forward in some places and relax in others; it is omnipresent and indiscriminately nasty.

SHAME V. EMPATHY

Numerous studies on shame conducted by researchers Tangney and Dearing who I’ve referenced elsewhere have concluded that when we experience Toxic Shame, we also experience an impaired capacity for empathy. This is mainly due to the nature of Toxic Shame which is entirely focused on the self, as opposed to Healthy Shame which is focused on the self’s connection to the collective.

When in the throes of a shame experience, either because they are being shamed or their shame is being exposed, individuals are usually more absorbed by their own low value than the pain being expressed by others. They are more inclined to hide their perceived worthlessness than offer support or seek repair or connection. It is important to remember that shame is the Master Emotion due to its unique ability to interfere with all other emotions. Until it is healed, shame will always be the predominant feeling that trumps all others. By bearing this in mind we can clearly see how shame impedes our capacity for empathy.

THE SHAME BLAME GAME

When we feel exposed in some way, our impulse is to protect ourselves. When our shame feels exposed, our impulse is to protect ourselves by hiding and a great way to hide is to deflect blame.

Other studies by Tangney and Dearing have found that shame-prone individuals are more likely to respond to shaming confrontations by either turning the blame on others, responding with offense and outrage at the accusation, or by avoiding the confrontation and disappearing completely. In a nutshell, shame-based individuals are “not only more prone to anger, in general, but they are also more likely to do unconstructive things with their anger” (Tangney and Dearing). They continue by saying that shame motivates “defensive feelings of anger and hostility, and a tendency to project blame outward. In contrast, guilt [Healthy Shame] has been associated with a tendency to accept responsibility and, if anything, with a somewhat decreased tendency toward interpersonal anger and hostility.”

In contrast, those who are what the researchers call “guilt-prone” (which I am equating to those with a strong sense of Heathy rather than Toxic Shame) are both less prone to anger arousal and are also more likely to acknowledge responsibility and engage in open dialogue about the perceived transgressions. In other words, individuals with unhealed Toxic Shame are more likely to get angry and look to ‘win’ conflicts by deflecting blame whereas individuals with a good sense of Healthy Shame and minimal Toxic Shame are less likely to get angry and more likely to seek repair during moments of disharmony.

ATTACK OTHER

In her book, Counselling Skills for Working with Shame, Christiane Sanderson summarizes the coping strategies that people with Internalized Toxic Shame default to, which were originally proposed by Donald Nathanson in his compass of shame. One of these mechanisms is “Attack Other.” Attack Other is a strategy by which individuals pass off their shame to others in hostile ways. Sanderson says, “The emphasis is on ‘turning the tables’ by making others feel ashamed and inferior while allowing the self to appear shame free and thus superior.” Basically, when life throws us lemons, we throw them at someone else.

Individuals resorting to Attack Other defenses will often exhibit aggressive behaviors such as belittling insults; name-calling; bullying; teasing or tormenting; and all too often, violence, sometimes of a sexual nature. Sadly, some will also become abusers.

It’s important to remember that Toxic Shame is not always directed at others and not everyone who lives with shame is a threat, not at all. In fact, one of the other common coping mechanisms of shame is called “Attack Self,” which is shame and anger turned against the self, not others. I won’t go into detail here as I’ll save it for a future blog, but suffice to say that Toxic Shame is also responsible for tremendous self-harm and self-deprecation for many people.

Shame-anger Binds

Let’s change directions for a moment here (I think we could use a break from this damning report!) and look at another way in which shame and anger associate which is by forming a Shame-Anger bind. As we identified above, shame is the Master Emotion for its ability to interfere with all other emotions; this is called a shame-bind. Simply speaking, shame-binds form when we are shamed for or while feeling a particular emotion, usually at a young age but not always. For example, shame-pleasure binds often form when young children are scolded for being too loud or silly while playing, or for early sexual explorations. The result is that anytime the individual experiences the emotion of pleasure, joy, or playfulness, feelings of shame quickly follow.

In the case of shame-anger binds, which are more commonly experienced by females but not exclusively, one is shamed for expressing anger by being taught that they don’t have the right to “talk back” or that they need to accept their punishments silently. Too often caretakers will unknowingly shame children for expressing anger or “big feelings” by saying something like, “Look, now you’ve hurt mommy’s feelings,” or “It makes me sad when you get angry and shout.” Such messaging communicates to an individual that their value is somehow diminished by experiencing the very healthy and very human emotion of anger.

This impediment also presents challenges in relationships as when one party senses that the other is somehow holding back or feels unwilling to disagree or stand up for themselves, it can reduce feelings of trust and safety and can make the other feel guilty for their own honest expressions.

The Darkest Side of Shame

Anyone who has experienced Toxic Shame either within themselves or by living with a shame-based person knows that shame can get ugly, very ugly. The parasite that is Toxic Shame feeds on our sense of value as human beings, gradually diminishing it the longer it goes untreated. The way shame protects itself is to stay hidden in secrecy. One of the ways shame does this is to shapeshift and wear less painful masks such as guilt, perfectionism, shyness, or by aggrandizing through Narcissism, hyper-masculinity, or shamelessness. Another way shame protects itself is to attack anything and anyone who threatens to expose it. We’ve already talked about the Attack Other adaptation, but there is an even more virulent adaptation which is that of rage.

SHAME-BASED RAGE

In his seminal book on shame, Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw postulates, “Rage protects in two ways: either by keeping others away or by transferring the shame to others.” One way helps the shame-based individual remain hidden and disconnected from the tribe, the other provides relief from the acutely painful feelings of shame. Let’s be honest, rageful people are awful to be around. They disrupt a sense of environmental harmony and they activate a survival response in us the moment our nervous systems sense the threat of their energy. There’s also the fact that shame-based rage has the potential to cause immense harm to others, both physically and psychologically. This is where we confront the darkest sides of shame, and I hope you see now, why it is crucial to understand the insidiously poisonous nature of Toxic Shame.

It is not unheard of, quite the contrary in fact, for activated shame to arouse a furious rage in a shame-based individual. This shame-fueled rage can result in violent and humiliating acts including abuse, bullying, assault, and rape. The media has recently paid more attention to this particular effect under the brand of “Toxic Masculinity" and the “Manosphere” but stops short of identifying what I believe to be the true cause - Toxic Shame, not Toxic Masculinity. Masculinity is not intrinsically toxic, it’s healthy, protective, and productive which is why it’s important to identify the shame that underpins the distortion of a naturally healthy energy.

By deferring shame, either by shaming, belittling, or humiliating another, we aim to “erase the sting of weakness and disgrace” by creating an illusory feeling of powerfulness (D. Nathanson). When thinking of this, it may be tempting to imagine that the only people who resort to what Sanderson calls “humiliated fury” are what society likes to deem predators, but unfortunately this isn’t the case. What makes Toxic Shame so harmful is that every single one of us is capable of acting out on our humiliated fury.

“Rage is probably the most naturally occurring cover-up for shame.”

- John Bradshaw

EGO BREAKS AND NO LONGER BEING THE ‘CHOSEN ONE’

Think of the language we use around non-monogamy, it is inherently shaming and laden with fire and brimstone punitiveness! – betrayal, cheating, unfaithful. When one’s personal sense of value and safety is predicated on being the ‘chosen one’ or on a sense of ownership over a partner, it can feel like ego death if one’s partner is attracted to others or has sex with them. In our humiliation of a perceived rejection, we may deflect by shaming them. Some of the words I’ve heard used by angry, embarrassed people to describe their partners after non-monogamy – not their actions, but them as human beings - are truly dehumanizing.

How do we belittle others through shame? We attack what we think they are ashamed of. Size, financial power, attractiveness, intelligence, their relationship or social status, sexual history, disabilities or perceived weaknesses. Ultimately, we will use whatever we believe will make them doubt their worth. Shame is the oldest weapon in the world and the most dangerous. Until we all do our Shamework and heal our own Internalized Toxic Shame, we are susceptible to the most primitive and darkest sides of shame.

The Resorative Power of Healthy Shame

What do I believe is the antidote to the harm caused by Toxic Shame?

Healthy Shame.

Secure, safe people have an abundance of Healthy Shame and low levels of Toxic Shame. Healthy Shame is, as John Bradshaw says, the awareness that we are “not God,” and, I would add, the acceptance of that fact as not being a personal failing. Healthy Shame is similar to guilt; it is impersonal and reminds us that our own values, comfort, preferences, and needs are not more important than those of anyone else. With Healthy Shame, we consider the safety and peace of others before we act on our impulses. We don’t always prioritize the safety and peace of others above our own, but it’s the consideration of it in the decision-making process that defines Healthy Shame rather than Shamelessness, which is not something to aspire to.

I was recently reminded by a fellow shame expert that the main difference between Healthy and Toxic Shame is that with Healthy Shame, there is the opportunity for repair. Where there is Toxic Shame, the problem is characterized as a personal shortcoming, and is therefore irreparable. It stands to reason that if we are somehow faulty as individuals (as is implied when we use shaming language such as “you are” rather than placing emphasis on the action that hurt us), then there’s little point in having a healthy discussion about what happened or is happening. Toxic Shame is one-sided, it is us telling them they’re bad. Healthy Shame is two-sided, it is us telling them how their action hurt us and listening to why that action did or did not feel right for them then, and if both parties feel that repair is desirable, how things can be approached in a different way in the future.

By way of a sign off, let us remember that Toxic Shame has never served anybody except for the person doing the shaming. Nor has it ever changed anyone’s beliefs, preferences, desires, or behavior. It has only ever made us learn how to hide them better.